Monday, June 11, 2012

A Mother's Loss...This Mother's Loss

I have sat here for the longest time trying to think of the best way to tell you my story.
The only thing I can come up with is from the beginning. 
I know that sharing this will help with my healing.

Four weeks ago Saturday after being 3 days late for my monthly cycle,
 I took 3 pregnancy test and much to my surprise they were all POSITIVE! 
We had been talking about how we wanted to start trying soon 
so Clayton could be close in age with his brother/sister, so with him almost being a year I was so excited.
I love being a mother and everything about it and want nothing more than to have a large family.

I did the next thing that I should do which was make a doctors appointment for the next week.
Where they did blood work to confirm for sure and that came back the next day positive. 
They also gave me my estimated due date from my last cycle and I was beyond giddy to find out that it would be on January 22nd, this was my daddy's birthday! What an awesome gift.
So we scheduled my next appointment for 8 weeks out.

In the mean time we are telling all of our family, excitedly talking about the babies room and themes, how I want my birth plan to be a little different this time, all kinds of babies names. Will it be a boy or a girl. What an amazing big brother Clayton will be! All of the fun stuff that goes with expecting a baby.

I then started cutting things out of my diet like caffeine, of course alcohol and added folic acid and a prenatal vitamin back to my everyday routine.  Along with lots of water and healthy foods.

Everything was going fine for the first two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. 
The normal stuff being extremely tired. Hormones starting to go crazy. A little Nausea and so forth.

Then the middle of week three I started having some very light spotting. 
Which of course freaked me out because I didn't have any of that with my son.
The doctor wanted me to come in the next day. They did blood work, an exam and an ultra sound.
The ultra sound didn't show anything but the doctor thought maybe we just had my day off and the spotting was from implantation bleeding. 
We got the blood work back the next day and my HcG numbers were at 87. 
Which seemed kind of low so he wanted me to come in Monday the next week and have it ran again.
In 48 hours with normal HcG #'s it should at least double. 
We had 72 hours in between my test and on Monday my numbers only went to 130.

This of course was a concern for my doctor along with the pain I was starting to experience he was concerned with it being ectopic. Then we are faced with having to tell family what is going on when we don't even really know. How do you explain something when you are yet to have all the answers?

He scheduled more blood work for Wednesday and these numbers went up from 130 to 220.
Yet again another increase but not doubling like it should.
 Soooo more confusion and pain and lack of answers. 
Normally with a miscarriage when you are spotting like I was your numbers will decrease not increase.

By the next afternoon I was in extreme pain and bleeding heavily. 
This of course meant my body was taking care of this on it's own. 
This past weekend was extremely heart wrenching. I was in so much pain I could barely get myself to the bathroom. I was completely exhausted from the pain, crying and not being able to eat.
Also, dealing with all the mental questions and burdens of why and how could this happen we had been so careful. 

I had a complete miscarriage this weekend and we lost our baby.

 I guess if you want to be technical which I am sure some people would love to be it wasn't just yet a baby. In my eyes and heart it was though.
It was the addition to our family that we had prayed for and wanted. 
I loved it so much already. Started my cheesy little conversations with my baby.

I have done a lot of soul searching the past few days and though I know I have a long way to go and that I will forever question and wonder why and what this baby would have grown to be. 
I know that everything happens for a reason and it was God's will. 
I may not understand why he does everything he does or what his reasons are, but he has never let me down before. In time we will try again and if it is God's will then we will one day welcome another precious little one into our lives. 

Thank you for reading my story and allowing me to share. This is a way for me to get things out and try to find a way to heal. If you think about it or wouldn't mind send a prayer up for us as we still find a way to cope with this chapter of our lives.

With Much Love,


  1. Sweetie I'm so sorry to hear this and I can't even begin to compare to your pain. You did have a baby and now it's an angel baby with god.

  2. Oh, Ashley. I'm so sorry. It's no comfort,I know, but I'm sure that sweet little soul just wasn't ready for earth yet. Grieve all you need to. Loss is loss, whether that child was eight Weeks or eight months gestation. You will be blessed again with another baby when the time is right, and he or she will carry a part of his sweet brother our sister inside them. I love you.

  3. Check your email. Thinking of you and praying for you!